The Clean Platter by Proxy!

May 15, 2008

A new segment, to be called The Clean Platter by Proxy, or PxP when I am lazy.
The Setup:
You are hungry. You don’t know what to eat. You’re also online, and talking to me.
So you ask me:
“Lysander”: what should I eat RIGHT NOW
David: I love this game.
David: what is in your house?
The Heist:
You tell me what’s in your pantry or your fridge, and then together we make a plan of action. Then you make something perhaps loosely based on that plan of action, take a picture of the result (for better or for worse), and send it to me.
Names are changed to awesome pseudonyms to protect the identity of my friends.
The Platter by Proxy, issue 1, continues below the jump.
“Lysander”: the options are: HORRIFIC leftover chinese food, a panini (bologna or salami from a local italian deli, gouda cheese, cheddar cheese, havarti cheese, american cheese, dijon/normal/honey mustard, mayo), ummm… random other crap?
“Lysander”: ham
“Lysander”: umm
Lysander: eggs
Lysander: i don’t know, one sec.
David: haha
Lysander: sourdough/normalish bread (oatmeal?), croissants – a ton of spices.
“Lysander: (I am aware that so far the answer is “a sandwich”.
David: yes
David: i mean, a panino sounds good
Lysander: here is the thing: I have eaten 2 a day for the past week.
David: salami and gouda, mebbe
David: hrm
David: any fresh vegetables, then?
Lysander: probably
David: tell me what thems is.
David: and then we’ll get rolling on something else.
Lysander: oh, I could make it a quesadilla with bologna or salami. it gets really nastily greasy but is good in its own way
David: haha you certainly could
David: or you could make the best goddamn omelette in the world
David: with a little grilled salami
David: just because I stopped eating meat doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s delicious
Lysander: carrots, cilantro, celery.
Lysander: only C- vegetables.
David: eh.
David: no good for sandwiches or omelettes.
David: here is my idea
David: how are you at omelettes?
Lysander: um.
Lysander: I do not know.
Lysander: my egg abilities are over-easy or scrambled.
David: it’s just like scrambling eggs, but less.
Lysander: ok, that is what I was about to ask.
David: yeah
David: take two eggs and maybe a little water
David: and beat with a fork or whatever
David: and cut up some salami into chunks
Lysander: the salami is already sliced.
Lysander: but, ok.
David: oh! okay, it’s thin slices
David: quarter them, I guess
David: take, y’know, maybe three or four slices
David: and cut them into quarters
David: and cook them until they start to curl up at the edges in a skillet. sorta like bacon. sorta?
David: then take them out of the skillet and you’ll only need a little bit of butter or margarine or whatever, because some of the fat from the salami has rendered
David: then get a spatula and pour the egg into the skillet; what you have to do is get an even layer cooked
David: so… don’t exactly scramble
Lysander: ok
David: but make sure that you don’t get a bottom layer cooked until you have everything at a minimum runnyness
David: does that make sense?
David: I dunno if I’m explaining it right
Lysander: i think it does, yes
David: like, you just have to make sure everything’s beginning to cook through
David: and once everything is semi-runny but not so wet anymore
David: let the bottom form; let that part start to cook
David: and once you’ve got the thing cooking away
David: sprinkle your nice cooked salami over the center of the omelette
David: and fold it in half and let it cook through
David: and then splot it onto a plate and you should be good to go.

Some time later…

Lysander: I have carried out the commands you issued.
Lysander: i don’t think I did the timing of the omelet right
Lysander: also, I added a little thing where I put the whole omelet in a folded-over tortilla with a slice of cheddar.
David: that would make it a huevodilla.
David: <_<
David: >_>
David: what do you mean, the timing?
Lysander: oh, also, the salami slices were really big, so maybe it is too much salami. but we will see.
David: aha
“Lysander”: the timing of how long to let it cook before allowing a Bottom part to form.
David: this is a weird request
David: will you, uh
David: take a picture?
“Lysander”: yes!
David: yay!
“Lysander”: it will not look particularly impressive.
David: I do not care.
Note that Lysander is reading Lolita. This is because he is a classy dude. Well-played, sir.

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